"It's not the critic who counts..."

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

- Theodore Roosevelt

I love this quote. Love. I heard it several years ago, and Brene Brown has made it pretty popular in her book "Daring Greatly". I love it because it helps me to forgive and overlook it when others who don't understand addiction make criticisms or make "suggestions". I recently had a friend tell me about a family member's response to her new food choices, that she could have anything if she just ate it in moderation, and that all that was really to it was tracking what you ate.

These comments are so discouraging and disheartening to the food addict! We have thought our entire lives that we could be so different, and have such a better life, if only we could just get our eating under control. The problem is that addiction is about control, but addiction recovery is about surrender. To many outside of the arena, that appears to be a cop out, giving up, or a failure. It's none of those things....at least, not in my experience. 

The truth is that tracking my calories and carbs and sugar and everything else is what finally got me past Step 1--"We admitted we were powerless over food--that our lives had become unmanageable." Up to that point, I thought I had taken this step, but what I had really said was that I have a problem with food, and my life was hard to manage. This set me up to believe that it was still in my power to control my eating, that someone, somewhere had the answer in a book, blog, video, program, or some other silver bullet miracle cure. I just wanted someone to tell me the secret, just say, "Here, dummy, eat only these foods," and I'd be fixed. It was after falling on my face again after just two days of tracking that I finally admitted that I could not control this, and I needed help from On High if I were to recover. 

So here I am, over a year later, having learned so much about myself, and even more about God, surrounded by friends, family, and fellow recovering addicts who have been in my arena, in their own arenas, all fighting daily to become more of what God wants us all to be. I thank that God for giving me these individuals, and I think of them when I feel the sting of the comments from the peanut gallery. It's not the critic who counts.

My very favorite meal in the whole entire world. For real.

I love breakfast skillets. Like the ones at Denny's or Village Inn. Love them. Unfortunately, they are super greasy, and the cooks are sometimes hit and miss, so you take a gamble on the quality you're going to get. Also unfortunately, as a food addict, I find myself unable to stop eating the meal even if it's not very good. Instead, I now make my own at home, and I am never hit and miss :)

I usually make this with zucchini and/or squash, but I only had a little leftover, so I decided to supplement it with....



Golden potatoes! My mom taught me to use leftover baked potatoes to make hash browns or breakfast potatoes. I baked these in the microwave, wrapped in a little towel so they could steam. I like to leave them in the microwave for an additional 5-10 minutes after the DING! to let them finish steaming.



I chopped up 2 slices of bacon and fried them up separately in a small frying pan. I dumped the whole thing out on a paper towel-lined plate so that just a little bacon grease is left in the pan.



While the bacon cooks, I chopped up a little onion (seriously, like 1/6 of an onion) and two baby red bell peppers. I then saute these in a large pan (make sure it's large so everything has room enough to cook!) with butter. I ran out of salt (what?!) so I used salted butter instead of avocado oil, which I usually use. Worked pretty well :)



Once the veggies are tender and a little brown, I add the potatoes, which I have chopped into bite-size pieces.



At this point, I don't even use utensils to stir this, because I find that it makes the potatoes squishy. So, use your muscles and flip the mix in the pan! Tosses it all together, makes sure the oil/butter is coating everything evenly, and they all cook evenly, too. I give the pan a little shake every minute or so until the potatoes have started to brown, which doesn't take long.



Add the leftover squash/zucchini, toss in that bacon, shake and toss your pan, and let it sizzle away while you cook your eggs.



Again, I turn my pan with the little bit of bacon grease on medium heat, and crack in my two eggs once the grease is running on the pan when tilted. Because the bacon grease naturally has a salty flavor, I don't even bother adding salt to the eggs (which I couldn't anyway, since I'm still out of salt!!!). Once the eggs look about like this, or maybe 30 seconds later, I flip them carefully with a rubber (or silicone?) spatula. This will make over-medium eggs, with a fully-cooked whit and runny yolks. Dude, I hated yolks when I was a kid, and I'm so glad I grew out of that!

Once I flip the eggs, I dump the veggie mix onto a plate and cover it with shredded cheese. I then top it with my eggs, and add some sugar-free ketchup, and voila!



I liked it with the potatoes, because what's not to love about potatoes?!

..........

Carbs. Carbs are what's not to love about potatoes :/ It was good in a pinch! And if you're not as concerned about overall carb intake as I am, then go for it!

Staples of a sugar-free life

My fridge and pantry looks dramatically different now than it did a year ago. Disorganized still? Yes, but the actual items are different :) I realized the other day when I felt "snacky" that I kept going to my pantry, but I hardly keep anything in there that I eat as a snack anymore. It used to be cold cereal, chips, packaged snack cakes, etc., etc., etc. Now, most of my snacks consist of smoothies, fresh fruit, string cheese, and the such. Fresh stuff. Not packaged processed stuff. Big change.

Pantry essentials!

From left to right:

- Natural Maple Syrup: I don't even eat pancakes as much anymore (I think my body doesn't like that much sweetness first thing in the morning), but I use maple syrup consistently in baking. I've even reduced it and put it in homemade ice cream--it tasted like salted caramel :D

- Avocado Oil: discovered this when I tried the Keto diet, and I have loved it. It's about the same price and nutritional value as olive oil, but I think it has a little milder flavor than olive oil, and I've heard that it's "smoking point" is higher than olive oil, so it can be heated to a hotter temperature. In case that's important to you.

- Steel-Cut Oats: I grew up hating oatmeal, and it wasn't until I was probably 19 that I got into it. I later was introduced to steel-cut oats, and it's a totally different experience. I love adding a bit of maple syrup, pecans, and a splash of milk (or almond milk). Yummo. Rolled oats are called "rolled" because they have been smushed by a big steam-roller thingy that flattens them out. Steel-cut oats are less processed and more nutritious.

- Natural Peanut Butter: this definitely tastes different than regular peanut butter, and it was hard to get used to in the beginning. You know how pb makes your mouth dry? Natural pb does that to me x2. However, I'm now pretty used to it, and I love to add natural pb to smoothies, spread it on toast with banana slices, or dip apple slices in it. 

- Smucker's Simply Fruit Spread: I truly can't tell the difference between this and regular jam. Nothing but love for this, since I often eat a PB&J as an afternoon snack.

- Bertolli Organic Marinara Sauce: Costco often rotates their brands and selections, and this was a lucky buy because a lot of sauces have sugar (note that sugar cuts the acidity of tomatoes, so it's commonly found in tomato products). This one has organic sugar as the 5th ingredient, so it's legal!

- Barilla Whole Grain Pasta: I've realized that what I really loved about pasta was the white flour, heavily processed goodness (insert sarcasm here). I actually don't love eating a bowl of pasta anymore, but I do love it in soups (I'll post my favorite tomato macaroni soup recipe soon!).

- Kodiak Cakes: I actually prefer whole wheat pancakes from scratch, but, when I'm in a hurry, these are an awesome option because they can be made with just water, just milk, or milk and eggs, giving you more protein with each option.

- Post Great Grains Raisins, Dates, & Pecans: This is the ONE brand and type of cereal I have found that has sugar as the 5th or less ingredient, because that many additions push the sugar down the list. The other varieties in this same line all have sugar in the top 4 ingredients, so they don't work for me. Bear in mind that my son once looked in my bowl and said, "Birdseed?" 😆 I like it, but I think it does take some time to get used to it if you're accustomed to Cocoa Puffs or Captain Crunch.

- Seeds of Change Quinoa & Brown Rice: I have not mastered the art of brown rice, and I find this to be a good alternative. It's great with salmon and broccoli. Takes 90 seconds in the microwave. Nothing could be easier.

- Kirkland Protein Bars: Again, if you're used to regular granola bars or candy bars, these taste like shit. Not gonna lie. But I love them now (remember I'm one year off of sugar). I offered my mom a piece of one, like two bites' worth....she took one bite and gave me back the rest 😂 They do have a ridiculous amount of protein and fiber though, so well worth it in my opinion.


- Bob's Red Mill Whole Wheat Pastry Flour: This is a major game-changer in my baking. Whole wheat flour is very heavy, hard to develop, and has a strong flavor. This stuff is ground incredibly fine, and I use it in rolls, cookies, bread (quick and yeast), and I can't wait to try it in cake.

- Coconut Sugar: This is kind of like a dry brown sugar, and it tastes pretty good, specifically cookies.

This is kind of a mess, so thanks in advance for not judging my disorganized fridge. My kids are the milk-drinkers, since I gave it up almost entirely over the summer....apparently it's not good for ladies with PCOS. But I use almond milk for cereal and smoothies, and it's pretty great. I never used to buy orange juice, but I use it very often now for smoothies, and it's nice to have another beverage since I don't drink anything else but water (huge blessing that I'm no longer drinking Diet Coke!).

I love Aspen Mills Honey Whole Wheat bread, which I have found at Costco and Sam's Club, since it has no sugar at all, and only like 6 ingredients. Again, if you're used to Wonder Bread, this is going to taste like eating a sponge, but I have been eating whole wheat or whole grain for years, and this is my favorite kind. 

Which I love to dip in that cheddar broccoli soup (from Costco), make into an egg sandwich (with those brown organic eggs you can barely see there), or spread up with natural almond butter. Salsa is a new regular purchase for me as well since so many things like ketchup and other common flavor-adders are chock full of sugar.

Also, I have protein shakes in there, hiding behind the leftover Subway sandwiches and the almond butter :)

                                                 

I keep lots of string cheese, lunch meat, bacon, and turkey sausage in my deli drawer. Shredded cheese, sour cream, and cream cheese are staples for most of my meals. I also swear by whole wheat tortillas that are uncooked! I love the regular flour tortillas when you get the uncooked ones, and these whole wheat ones are definitely better than the pre-cooked ones.

Baby bell peppers....yassssss! These are so easy to cut up and saute (or use raw) in so many dishes, and they are great for adding texture, color, and flavor. Eggs, salads, baked potatoes, mixed roasted vegetables....all great with baby bells. I frequently buy a rotisserie chicken from Costco, which I use in several meals, like chicken sandwiches, salads, chicken and rice, and chicken soup.

Mixed greens for salads, cilantro for anything Mexican (or Thai!), squash and zucchini, and mushrooms are regulars in my meals.

I just cleared out a bunch of odds and ends of fruit I bought 2 weeks ago (pineapple, strawberries), and now I just bought some more blueberries. Apples and grapes are favorites, too. I should add that I have a big bag of frozen strawberries in the freezer, and I'm using up my bananas much more consistently now that I am a nut for smoothies. They are so naturally sweet that they make smoothies very sweet and delicious.

Hopefully this was useful!

"What the heck do you eat?"

Prior to giving up sugar, this kind of question would have horrified me, because I would have had to admit that it included copious amounts of highly processed sugar and fast food. Now, though, I get to sound like a martian who doesn't eat sugar. Whatevs.

So I've decided to share what I actually eat for two reasons: 1) to help me be accountable by reporting my food, and 2) to help others who want to know what the heck they can eat if they choose to give up sugar and white flour. Here we go!

Today, I had a ridiculously early morning, so I had a protein bar from Costco to get me going.



A couple hours later, I had a super simple smoothie.

Super Simple Smoothie
- 1 c. Simply Orange juice (or other no-sugar-added OJ)
- 6 frozen strawberries, whole
- 1 ripe banana

Blend it up and enjoy.

For lunch I had leftovers from Texas Roadhouse, which consisted of salad sans croutons, steak, and 2 tater somethings (I can't remember the name of them but they were delicious).

I decided since I'm sick and my body needs as many nutrients as possible that I would try another smoothie. This one would not be my favorite, but I think using frozen fruit would help for next time.

Pineapple Green Smoothie
- 1 c. Simply Orange juice (or other no-sugar-added OJ)

- 2 c. baby spinach

- 3 pineapple spears (preferably frozen)

Blend spinach and OJ first, then add pineapple (and maybe ice if you want it a little thicker and colder).

Now dinner, that was my crowning jewel for the day. I had no plan, the kids were hungry, I was exhausted, but it was really my Higher Power directing me and helping me. I decided to make some pizza using some frozen par-baked whole wheat crusts that I made....I dunno....a long time ago! I made them with an old recipe from my mom using whole wheat pastry flour (Bob's Red Mill is a good one).

I used Bertolli's marinara from Costco--careful to check for sugar on the list of ingredients as many sauces have sugar as one of the first ingredients.

Who doesn't want bacon on their pizza?

Or sauteed zucchini? I did this in avocado oil with some garlic powder, salt, and pepper.

Baby spinach, for some green.

And I decided last minute to saute a baby red bell pepper and add that, too.

Little mozzarella (I've learned not to go too crazy with the cheese--weird lesson)

And voi-freakin'-la. My only complaint was that my crust wasn't salty enough, but the toppings were perfect. This didn't take a terribly long time, either, only about 30 minutes, including making pizzas for my kids, too.

And Halo Top ice cream :D

Cookies + me

Ah, cookies, how I love thee....

Here's the sad part: I have loved cookies (and cakes, ice cream, candy, etc.) more than I have loved myself for a very, very long time. Unfortunately, my "love" for sweets has been masking an ugly addiction, one that has ravaged my physical and emotional state, especially over the last 10 years.

I have struggled with my weight since I was a kid, which, as we all know, naturally leads to a struggle with body shame and self-esteem (grade school kids are mean...I should know, I was one of the meanest). I eventually was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) when it was discovered that I had a HUGE (not kidding...think basketball) ovarian cyst. I was 12. Welcome to womanhood, Jess!

I was a smart kid, and I had a smart mom, and a team of smart doctors. I knew that the answer was to put. down. the. cookie. But did I? Nope.

And my weight continued to go up. I felt disconnected from my peers, and from my own body. I felt insecure and unwelcome....everywhere. So, I ate some more to numb those feelings. That'll do it, right? Sure did!

When I was 17, I was stricken (yes, stricken) with a case of bilateral pulmonary embolism (a.k.a. blood clots in both lungs). I say "stricken" because that's what you say when something nearly KILLS YOU--and it did. Almost.

Did that stop me from eating? And eating? And eating? No. Nope. Nuh-uh.

Nearly nine years later, at 26 years old, I was pregnant with my second child, and I found myself in the ER with a wicked case of vertigo, which was really a mini-stroke masquerading as innocent little vertigo. This resulted in no fewer than 6 doctors telling me to stop having children.

And still, did that stop me? Did that shock me and scare me into compliance? Not a chance.

Why the hell not?! you may be (rightfully) asking. Why wouldn't near-death, chronic illnesses and the sacrifice of my not-yet-born children create in me enough motivation to get off my duff and PUT DOWN THE COOKIE?!

Well, because I'm an addict. I don't say this to excuse myself, but to simply explain why all the other tactics, tricks, and tools had failed me for so long.

Going back to cookies, I loved baking. I still do. I love making something with my own two hands (and handy-dandy mixer). I love the smell of fresh goodies baking up in my oven. I especially love eating about half of them before they can even make it to the cookie jar. (Who am I kidding? I don't have a cookie jar. We keep our cookies in a ziploc bag.)

But then....something has happened. I just finished making about 8 dozen cookies (go big or go home, right?) for a family barbecue this weekend, and instead of eating....oh.....roughly 6 cookies' worth of dough and another 8-12 within the next 24 hours, I have eaten none. I didn't even lick my fingers. That part bears repeating: I didn't even lick my fingers.

I know, right? So why has this happened?

Simple answer: God.

Alright, I can tell many readers at this point have clicked the back button, and they're done with me. For those of you who remain, thank you. It's hard to tell others that a spiritual change has wrought a physical and emotional change, but it has. I have decided (not on my own, as in "I just woke up one day, and....") to ask for God's help in this journey. Why didn't I think of this before?! Well, to be honest, because I didn't think that He cared! Why would God--omnipotent, omniscient, responsible for billions of people who are just living now, not counting all those who will live or who have lived--give a flying flip about how many cookies I ate?

This is an overly-simplified answer, but He cares because food--especially cookies and the like--keep me miserable, and He doesn't want me to be miserable, no matter how I've screwed up in other ways.

So now here's the miracle--I didn't have to fight the urge to eat the cookies, or eat the dough, or lick my fingers, or the spatula, or the bowl (as in...wear the bowl like a hat and disappear in a sugar coma). The urge, the compulsion, was just gone. Gone.

This is not to say that it's gone as in forever gone, but it's gone as long as I stay close to God, focusing on what He wants me to do, and off of my old negative behaviors and thoughts. It's not perfect, but, today, it was pretty damn close.