Here's the sad part: I have loved cookies (and cakes, ice cream, candy, etc.) more than I have loved myself for a very, very long time. Unfortunately, my "love" for sweets has been masking an ugly addiction, one that has ravaged my physical and emotional state, especially over the last 10 years.
I have struggled with my weight since I was a kid, which, as we all know, naturally leads to a struggle with body shame and self-esteem (grade school kids are mean...I should know, I was one of the meanest). I eventually was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) when it was discovered that I had a HUGE (not kidding...think basketball) ovarian cyst. I was 12. Welcome to womanhood, Jess!
I was a smart kid, and I had a smart mom, and a team of smart doctors. I knew that the answer was to put. down. the. cookie. But did I? Nope.
And my weight continued to go up. I felt disconnected from my peers, and from my own body. I felt insecure and unwelcome....everywhere. So, I ate some more to numb those feelings. That'll do it, right? Sure did!
When I was 17, I was stricken (yes, stricken) with a case of bilateral pulmonary embolism (a.k.a. blood clots in both lungs). I say "stricken" because that's what you say when something nearly KILLS YOU--and it did. Almost.
Did that stop me from eating? And eating? And eating? No. Nope. Nuh-uh.
Nearly nine years later, at 26 years old, I was pregnant with my second child, and I found myself in the ER with a wicked case of vertigo, which was really a mini-stroke masquerading as innocent little vertigo. This resulted in no fewer than 6 doctors telling me to stop having children.
And still, did that stop me? Did that shock me and scare me into compliance? Not a chance.
Why the hell not?! you may be (rightfully) asking. Why wouldn't near-death, chronic illnesses and the sacrifice of my not-yet-born children create in me enough motivation to get off my duff and PUT DOWN THE COOKIE?!
Well, because I'm an addict. I don't say this to excuse myself, but to simply explain why all the other tactics, tricks, and tools had failed me for so long.
Going back to cookies, I loved baking. I still do. I love making something with my own two hands (and handy-dandy mixer). I love the smell of fresh goodies baking up in my oven. I especially love eating about half of them before they can even make it to the cookie jar. (Who am I kidding? I don't have a cookie jar. We keep our cookies in a ziploc bag.)
But then....something has happened. I just finished making about 8 dozen cookies (go big or go home, right?) for a family barbecue this weekend, and instead of eating....oh.....roughly 6 cookies' worth of dough and another 8-12 within the next 24 hours, I have eaten none. I didn't even lick my fingers. That part bears repeating: I didn't even lick my fingers.
I know, right? So why has this happened?
Simple answer: God.
Alright, I can tell many readers at this point have clicked the back button, and they're done with me. For those of you who remain, thank you. It's hard to tell others that a spiritual change has wrought a physical and emotional change, but it has. I have decided (not on my own, as in "I just woke up one day, and....") to ask for God's help in this journey. Why didn't I think of this before?! Well, to be honest, because I didn't think that He cared! Why would God--omnipotent, omniscient, responsible for billions of people who are just living now, not counting all those who will live or who have lived--give a flying flip about how many cookies I ate?
This is an overly-simplified answer, but He cares because food--especially cookies and the like--keep me miserable, and He doesn't want me to be miserable, no matter how I've screwed up in other ways.
So now here's the miracle--I didn't have to fight the urge to eat the cookies, or eat the dough, or lick my fingers, or the spatula, or the bowl (as in...wear the bowl like a hat and disappear in a sugar coma). The urge, the compulsion, was just gone. Gone.
This is not to say that it's gone as in forever gone, but it's gone as long as I stay close to God, focusing on what He wants me to do, and off of my old negative behaviors and thoughts. It's not perfect, but, today, it was pretty damn close.
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